It’s been a while since I wrote a blog post. I had actually been planning to write a couple of blogs this month. This wasn’t the one I was expecting to come next. This blog post wasn’t even on my list.
This is a tough blog to write, and I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not I should write it at all. Yesterday, someone who was part of this story made me realise that I should. It feels like there is something shameful about writing this? I have no idea why. But I figured that my blog is here for a reason. I started this blog to share the highs and the lows of motherhood. I definitely share the highs, and I always share the “funny” lows! I share my joy and my despair most days. I keep family matters close to my heart and away from the blog because they are not my stories to tell. So where does this story belong? It’s raw, and it’s private. BUT for many, it is a reality of motherhood and something many of you reading this will resonate with. It’s not often talked about, so I’m going to talk about it……
Over the weekend we lost a pregnancy. Unfortunately, this isn’t new territory for us. We have been through this process before. I don’t know if that makes it easier, or more difficult to process? All I know is that it makes me feel angry.
This pregnancy was ever so wanted. We took a lot of time considering it because of my last pregnancy with Felix. I can’t explain what made this one so exciting, but we were over the moon about it. I brought about 10 million pregnancy tests, and I took my last one the day before I started to miscarry. We knew this one would be high risk, not from a miscarriage point of view but the pregnancy as a whole. We were, however, ready to get our minds into that headspace again and I had the support of a wonderful midwife who has been so good to me over the last few years. I was ready to take the next step.
Sadly this one wasn’t meant to be. For whatever reason, it just wasn’t meant to be. Miscarriage has a way of making you feel like you are totally alone. It’s a whirlwind of emotions from extreme disappointment, anger, sadness and a sense of grief for something you never even knew. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days feeling angry with my body, angry that it failed me again. Actually, it didn’t fail me at all. It did what it needed to do because something wasn’t right and that’s a good thing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make it any easier.
Right now I’m feeling lots of emotions. There have been tears, and there have been times where I feel strong. I’ve vowed never to put myself through it again, and then an hour later I’m thinking about what life would be like with three. I’ve had the overwhelming urge to do something wild, like take a trip to New York, and I’ve been trying to persuade hubby to let us buy a farm. We laughed about it today; I don’t know why we react this way? Something terrible will happen, and amid grief and sadness we feel the need to do something drastic. Maybe it just keeps our minds distracted? Who knows. But I do know that time will heal all those feelings. It always does. We won’t buy a farm, but I will enjoy looking for one until I feel better.
Yesterday as the Sonographer turned to me and told me she was sorry, I had a little cry. And while I had my little cry she said; “What’s happening to you is really sad, and people don’t talk about it enough. Not talking about it makes it worse” and I totally got it. The two people before me had bad too which made three of us in the space of one hour. This happens every single day. People go through this every single day. Some of you reading this will have gone through it yourselves.
Social media can be such a brilliant way to build a support network, but without honesty, it can seem like life is perfect. I have a wonderful husband, two amazing children and a lovely home. I know how lucky I am. From the outside, our life is probably faultless. But no matter how good things are, sometimes, bad things happen. This loss is part of our story, just as the one before was. And when/if we have a third baby, this will still be a part of our story. I hope that this post will give someone hope if we have good news to share in the future when they may be going through a loss themselves. I hope that people will see that our journey wasn’t as simple as it may seem.
The Guilty Mummy xxxx
“Sometimes when it seems like everything is falling apart it may be falling into place.”