In just 5 days time I will have been a mum of two for two years. In one sense it has gone so fast, but it also feels like a lifetime ago. One thing I do know for sure is that I have learnt a fair few parenting lessons along the way. So I thought why not share with you what I have learnt so far.
I will never be the same shape I was pre baby
It doesn’t matter how much weight I lose or how healthy I am. I will never have the full boobs I once had or be able to fit into “super skinny jeans”. My boobs now resemble deflated balloons and my hips have been permanently re adjusted. They just decided to stick as they were after baby number 2 arrived and that was that. My arms are strong from all the lifting, but my legs didn’t get the memo which kind of makes me look like an upside down triangle…. anyone else?
I will never eat a whole breakfast to myself again
I can buy Coco Pops, Chocolate Weetabix, or even give them pancakes and ice cream for breakfast. But nothing will ever be as appealing as the breakfast I make for myself, no matter how boring I make it look.
I could easily get a job as a bouncer
I’m pretty sure that I would be over qualified in a job that involved breaking up brawls. After all, two toddlers having an argument is pretty similar to a drunken fight wouldn’t you say? Not forgetting that I have mastered the art of pinning a wriggling toddler down whilst trying to change a poo explosion. It takes a while, but eventually you get it. Being a bouncer would be the closest I would get to being in a club for a long while that’s for sure!
REAL sleep is a thing of the past
It’s not that I don’t sleep. My two are really good sleepers, but there will always be someone that needs something every couple of nights. For instance their bedroom is too dark, or too to light. The dark is making too much light, or the light is making it too much dark? Someone saw the Gruffalo pop out of their pillow case….you get the jist. These are just a few of the early hour issues that I get met with at 3am. It’s also fair to say that after baby number 2 you have the inbuilt “jerk wakeup” reflex which means you can stand to attention (at speed) during any hour…. even if it just turns out to be the cat purring next to you.
Clothes shopping with two toddlers.
No Thank you. Just shop online. That’s all I have to say about that!
Holding a conversation will never be the same again
Mummy! Mummy! Mum! Mum! Mama! Mama! You can try and ignore them whilst you pretend to your friends that you are teaching them to “wait” but it never lasts. You know you are making your friend squirm as you tell her to carry on and “ignore him” because “he has to learn”. Just say “yes darling” to all requests and hope for the best. I’ve managed to finish a fair few coffees using that technique.
You can NEVER have ENOUGH SNACKS
God. Damn. Snacks. The bane of my sodding life (and probably yours to) Double the love, double the snacks! These snacks are probably the sole reason that we don’t have money lying around to re do our kitchen. Organix, Ella, and especially you “Barney Bear” must be making a bloody fortune off us. I’m not saying that snacks aren’t good, they certainly act as a great way to shut the kids up and stop their whining at any time of the day but sometimes I fall asleep hearing the echo’s of “snack” snack” “snnnnnaaaaccccckkkk” and it’s just not something I ever pictured myself thinking about as my pre mum self.
THERE IS SO MUCH LOVE
Some would say that when you have more than one child you have to find time to divide your love. That’s certainly what I thought before Felix came along. But the truth is, you never have to divide your love. It simply multiplies. And there is something so beautiful about it. You become more exhausted, your patience will wear so thin you think it might break and there is no denying that life will never be the same again. But your heart grows to make just the right amount of space it needs to fit all of that love in. Believe me when I say there is SO much love! And they say…it keeps growing bigger each time someone new arrives.
Maybe one day I will put that to the test……
The Guilty Mummy xxx