I've been asking myself a lot lately if I'm a terrible mum. Because good mums surely don't feel like they're not enjoying motherhood? Because if I am honest some days I really don't enjoy motherhood. Some days I find the daily grind boring. Some days I feel like its all too much. Some days I feel like my children rule me, and most days I feel like I'm not doing enough.
When Felix was smaller I struggled with Post Natal Depression and Post Natal Anxiety. During this time I literally felt like I was drowning. I felt like I wasn't up to the job and I couldn't imagine feeling any other way. But with the help and support of lots of people I overcame that horrible time and I came out the other side.
Sometimes on the days where I'm not enjoying motherhood I wonder if the PND is creeping back in. I second guess myself. It is only recently that I have come to realise that we are allowed to find things hard. We are allowed to struggle, we are allowed to be tired, and sometimes we are allowed to find motherhood a chore.
I'm in no way mother of the year. I'm a long way off that but I do love my children with every part of me. I worry about them, I worry for them, I try to make them proud. I try to fill their world with beautiful experiences. I try (and fail most of the time) to sit and do crafts with them. I try and cook nice meals for them. I worry whether they are warm enough at night. I spend time making sure they interact with friends. I care about raising them well. Raising these two little boys who will one day be husbands and fathers themselves. But in the chaos of juggling two children's schedules, and worrying about all of the above I often forget about myself. I forget that I am anything else but “mummy” My world revolves around my two little boys and my work. It leaves very little time for socialising, taking time out and doing the things that made me, me before I had children.
So I have made two promises to myself. One is that I am going to allow myself to be frustrated, to be bored, to allow myself the right to say I'm not enjoying this sometimes. Because lets be honest who really enjoys being terrorised by two crazy toddlers all of the time? I'm also going to make sure that I have time for me. I'm going to try and see friends more, I'm going to take time out to pamper myself, I'm going to take time to sit and talk to my husband everyday. Because self care matters. It really really matters. You are still you. You are still the person you were before you had children. Your heart is just a little fuller and you are allot more tired. Care for yourself and the rest will seem so much easier.
The Guilty Mummy xx