A few weeks ago my father in law asked me if I would ever change the name of my blog. When I ask why he replied "surely you can't still feel guilty" I thought on it for a second and listed all the reasons why I wouldn't change my blog name. It's a brand, it's linked to all of my work, it's what my followers know. Changing it wouldn't make sense.
But over the last couple of weeks it's got me thinking. Do I still feel guilty now that I have more experience than I did when I started this blog? The answer is yes. Yes I do. Every single day.
I feel guilty that I have to rush Felix down for his morning nap each day so I can work.
I feel guilty that Marley has to watch films whilst I do that work.
I feel guilty that I sometimes forget to brush Marley's teeth in the morning.
I feel guilty that I put CBeebies on at 6am just so I can have 10 minutes to wake up.
I feel guilty that I'm too hard on my children.
I feel guilty that I'm not hard enough on my children.
I feel guilty that they have too many toys.
I feel Guilty that we won't buy Marley the slide for the garden even though he has been asking for the one for the last year.
I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with them both individually.
I feel guilty that I don't do enough crafts with them.
I feel guilty that I'm not as patient as I could be.
I feel guilty that I haven't taught Marley his ABC's.
I feel guilty when he comes home from pre school and can count more than he could that morning.
I feel guilty for buying them second hand clothes.
I feel guilty when I buy them expensive clothes.
I feel guilty that I can't take Felix to baby groups because I have a toddler.
I feel guilty that Marley still isn't in swimming lessons.
I feel guilty that when my husband finishes work the house is a mess.
I feel guilty that I use baby wipes on the toilet more than I do bleach.
I feel guilty that the laundry basket is always full.
I feel guilty that the boys have fish fingers more than they should.
I feel guilty that we have frozen meals more than we should.
I feel guilty that I choose in the night garden before bed instead of reading to them every night.
I feel guilty that sometimes I want to cry when I can see another tooth cutting because I know it means less sleep for me.
I feel guilty for being grumpy when they wake me with beaming smiles at 4am.
I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my husband.
I feel guilty that I don't see my friends enough.
I feel guilty that I have nothing interesting to say when I do see my friends.
I feel guilty that I'm most comfy in my maternity knickers a whole year postpartum.
I feel guilty that I ALWAYS forget something off the food shop.
I feel guilty that I bribe my children with kinder eggs.
I feel guilty when my toddler says he doesn't like me 10 times in a day. Then on the 11th time I tell him I don't like him either.
I feel guilty that I make the same mistakes everyday single day. Even though I know what they are and I promise myself I will do better the next day.
All in all I feel pretty guilty most days. It's not something I enjoy feeling but I do know that it's part of being a good mum. I would much rather feel guilty than not care about any of the above. I love my children more than the world itself. Sometimes we have to realise that we don't have super human powers. We can't do everything all at once. And whilst giving it our all may never seem quite enough for our ridiculously high standards it WILL be enough for our babies and that is what counts. Friends will come and they will go but the good ones will stick despite the fact you might be a boring zombie for a few years. Husbands might not understand your world right now, they might resent you for changing. But they will thank you when those beautiful babies turn into fully functional adults.
And as for other mums. Well.... there will always be those mums who preach loud on social media about how they would rather die than let their child eat a piece of junk food or or how letting your child watch an episode of pepper pig will give them life long issues. Ignore it. Ignore all of it. Your child hasn't lived unless they have eaten a happy meal whilst watching a good old episode of pepper pig. They will be just fine. And us? Well we will be just fine too.
The Guilty Mummy xxx