To my biggest little one,
It’s safe to say that the last month we have both faced lots of challenges when it comes to your new personality. You have now hit the terrible twos and don’t we both know it! We are living our life through a daily battle of wills. I’m unsure how I feel about all of these changes. In one sense you have become so much more of a child than a toddler. We have long conversations, we laugh together, and we joke together. You have started helping me with chores. You have started reading to me. You are out of nappies day and night and there is no doubt that you are no longer a baby.
But then we have the other side of life where you have started shouting in my face. You won’t be told what to do unless it’s in your best interests. You have started feeling a bit put out by your baby brother and you have started lashing out at him. You are not afraid to be rude to strangers. All of these things we have ingrained into you as not being acceptable and you have now decided that you may as well try and see what happens!
You are learning and you are growing and whilst you do that I am learning at the same time. You have never done this before and neither have I. I’m trying to read as many books as I can about toddlers in the hope that I can understand what’s going on in your mind. These books have given me a chance to look at myself and realise that these mistakes are not just yours. Its not just you that needs to learn. I need to slow down and calm down and teach you about your behaviour in a whole different way. I need to see YOU in a whole different way. It’s all well and good and of course we will both learn but in many ways I don’t want to see you in a different way. You are my baby and always will be my baby. You keep telling me that you’re not a baby anymore and it hurts my heart a little bit.
You might see me shouting and losing my patience with you everyday. What you don’t see is the kiss I give you before I go to bed. When I tuck you in and I whisper goodnight to you my heart is filled with such pride Marley. Such pride that you are such a wonderful, funny, clever little boy. Pride that I made you and that I’m raising you. With that burst of pride always comes the pang of guilt as I walk out of the room. Have I done enough today? Was I too tough on you today? Did I talk to you enough? Did I tell you how much I love you? Every night I reflect on what I could do better and I hope that when you are old enough to really understand you will know that I tried each and every day with everything I have. I might not of got it right every day but I tried bloody hard.
You are my biggest little one. You are the one that has taught me (and continues to teach me) to be a mum. You hold a place in my heart that no one else can. This journey isn’t an easy one but its one we will take on and succeed at together.
All my Love
All my love