They say that the moment you learn that you are going to be a mother you never stop worrying. It's an instinct that is built into you. At every stage of your child's life you think the next stage will be easier, that it will carry a little less worry. It doesn't. From the moment you see those two pink lines it's a journey filled with worry. To get to the 12 week scan, the 20 week scan, the birth, the first month, the sixth month.....and so on.
Seeing your child sick or in pain never gets easier. As I sit here and write this blog I'm filled with worry for my two little boys. My 2 year old is in and out of feverish sleep suffering from hand foot and mouth. Today I've had to force medicine into him. I've watched his mouth bleed and discovered that it's covered in large ulcers. Ive pinned him down to change his nappy whilst he screamed from the soreness of the spots. I've sat with him and tried to encourage him to eat and drink. I tried to give him cold apple purée thinking it would be nice on his throat only to watch in horror as he screamed from the acidity on his ulcers. I had to push through the guilt of not realising that it would hurt to try and comfort him whilst I just wanted to crumble myself.
Then there is my newborn who has only just finished fighting for his place in this world and will now more than likely also have to contend with his brothers Virus in a few days time. A virus that isn't dangerous for children but is for newborns and especially newborns with low immune systems. I have already spent the last couple of days with Health Visitors & GP discussing his other issues. I know as a NICU baby he cannot get sick. The hospital staff say he must not get sick. He IS going to get sick though.....of course he is......his brother is 2 and bugs are just part of being 2. Unless I sell my 2 year old (which I'm not prepared to do as i'm really quite fond on him) he will get sick and I have no control over that. I just have to watch and hope that he can fight what's thrown at him. Sometimes no matter how much you want to protect them, you cant.
Im learning that as mums we have no control over our hearts. They are passed over to our children as soon as we know that we are carrying them. The last few weeks I have had to challenge every instinct in my body.....I've had to try and close off my heart and block out the fact it feels a bit broken to get through the rollocoaster that has been our life. They say that all of the challenges that come with motherhood make you stronger.....that isn't true for me, not yet anyway. I hope it is as time goes on....I hope I can be fierce and strong again for my children.