It's 2.30am and as I lay here you are still. Completely still.....it's a sensation that I'm getting used to but one that I hate.
Yesterday I spent a third afternoon up at the Hospital with you trying to work out why you are being so still. I hate these visits because I get scared about what they might find. The noises that come from a maternity unit are daunting and scary and remind me that pregnancy is a gift but also so fragile and dangerous at the same time.
Tomorrow we will take a really close look at you and hopefully find out why you aren't so happy in there......or find out that you are just being really damn lazy and scaring the shit out of us! Either way it seems that due to your change in movements and a whole list of other things we will be meeting you sooner than we had planned. You are not due for another month and so I'm interested to see tomorrow how much they think you weigh and when they want you to come and join our family. I hope we can stretch you out another couple of weeks but we shall see.
I didn't want you here too soon and I didn't want them to evict you with medicine. It was my mission to let you decide when you wanted to come but sadly this fight won't be one that I will win for you. That's ok though because you being in there for too much longer just isn't safe for you and your safety is all that matters. This makes my decision an easy one. It's the first of your battles that I tried to fight for you.....the first of many to come.
So as I lie here at 2.30am and wait for you to give me a jab or a roll I can't help but wonder what you will look like, who you will be like and what you will think of your big brother and your mummy & daddy. Will you be a content and sleepy baby like your brother? What will Marley think of you? What outfit shall I bring you home in? Will my labour be quick? Will Marley be ok when I'm away bringing you into this world?
We are SO ready to meet you now little one (even if I'm not quite ready to give birth to you....but will I ever be?!?) I know that very soon I will get to hold you in my arms and you will be SAFE. I wont have to guess anymore or rely on machines to tell me if you are ok. I will be able to hold you and cuddle you and watch you every minute if I want to. You have given us shocks and scares since you started your journey in my tummy and now I'm ready to close that chapter and say hello. We found out we were expecting you in February.......that seems like a very long time ago. My body has struggled and fought against you and in many ways it has failed you but it has also got you to almost 36 weeks and for that I'm so very thankful.
So hold tight in there and I will see you in a few hours time on that fuzzy black and white screen.
All my love xxx